Seventh Faraday Evening Skit
The University of Akron
Faraday News Review
True Stories of the EE Department and Studley, VA
Since the last Faraday Evening
Story #1: July 4, 1997
The secret of success was discovered in rural Virginia. The secret, in the form of a mathematical formula, could eventually be used by millions of individuals, both at home and in the workplace. The inventor of the formula was identified as Tom, an electrical engineer living in Studley, Virginia. Actually, he lives in a suburb of Studley – Resume Speed.
The formula is
Presenting his findings to some colleagues at work, Tom explained the formula like this:
"Success is the square-root of production divided by effort. If you expend some effort but produce nothing, your success is zero. On the other hand, if you produce something with no effort, your success is infinite. The square root is important, because if you can achieve negative production, then you can have imaginary success."
The new formula has been greeted enthusiastically by engineers, but is viewed with skepticism by managers. Some engineers suspect that the managers have known the formula all along, but kept it to themselves. Tom suspects the formula is just too hard for business majors to understand.
Story #2: August 24, 1997
Professor Okechukwu Ugweje was hired in the EE department. Professor Oke received the Ph.D. degree from Florida Atlantic University, specializing in communication and soccer. His Ph.D. dissertation is an impressive document that, in addition to many pages of complicated integrals, includes the correct spelling of his full name.
Story #3: September 2, 1997
Dozens of students leapt out of the way, as Professor Igor Tsukerman sped through the campus streets in an attempt to escape the Paparazzi, who pursued in a minivan. Professor Tsukerman reached speeds up to 191 km/hr as he descended the hill on Carroll Street and swerved into the Auburn Science Center parking deck. Police at the scene expressed relief that Professor Tsukerman was travelling on foot. No one was injured.
Professor Tsukerman explained the Paparazzi were probably after someone else, such as Professor Nathan Ida. Professor Ida had been in Paris over the Labor Day weekend, where he reportedly outran both the Paparazzi and the limousine of Dodi El-Fayed in a pre-dawn drag race.
Story #4: October 8, 1997
A Professor of History discovered the meaning of the campus monument that consists of a rubber path laid between the two halves of a large boulder. He made his discovery by reading the inscription on the four-year-old monument, something no one had ever done before. He found out that it marks the spot where Ponce de Leon portaged past the Polymer Science Building on his way from Florida to Cleveland. According to the History Professor, "Most people other than Tom Hartley don’t know that Ponce De Leon navigated the Tuscarawas and the Cuyahoga."
Story #5: November 21, 1997
A mechanical engineering student in Professor Tom Hartley’s Basic EE class built a projection TV out of materials he found in his garage. Professor Hartley explained how it works:
"You just take an old circular saw and plug it into 240 Volts. It produces a rotating magnetic field and perfect blackbody radiation. To produce an electron beam, you connect the heating coil from a hairdryer in parallel. Or in series – it works either way. You have to be careful how you hold it, or you’ll get a shock; I use a leather belt looped through the handle. You focus the beam using the shiny side of a piece of aluminum cut from a can of Dr. Pepper. We can have Eric make a nicer one later, but this one gives you the idea. We should have our students doing this, in Circuits Lab!"
Story #6: December 7, 1997, Sports
In an effort to even up the teams for a game of Wallyball, the entire EE department joined Professor Bob Veillette on one side of the net. Professor Veillette’s team was narrowly defeated.
Story #7: January - February 1998
The presence of El Nino in the Pacific caused an unusual lack of winter weather in Ohio. Northeast Ohio residents have found the absence of weather preferable to what we usually have here. The Chamber of Commerce has adopted the advertising slogan, "No weather is better than Ohio’s." Meteorologists express confidence that the weather will return in the summer.
Story #8: March 25, 1998
Professor Nathan Ida attended a Department Chair’s meeting in Hawaii, but was still Nathan when he returned. He was overheard complaining about the Hawaiian climate, saying, "No weather is better than Hawaii’s."
Story #9: April 22, 1998
About a half-dozen EE faculty members have been seen practicing the hula and the Electric Slide in preparation for the 1998 Faraday Evening. Uncle Faraday, who has initiated faculty dancing at some past Faraday Evenings, explained, "The secret to entertainment at the Faraday Evening is to get the faculty to behave foolishly. The students love it, and the faculty don’t notice the difference."
If Uncle Faraday doesn’t show up this year, we may have a bulldozer demonstration by Professor Smith, or a silent impression of General Robert E. Lee by Professor Welch – surrendering to Professor Ulysses S. Grover at Appomattox.
Story #10: Late breaking
The Dean sent a memo this week. Wait; that can’t be it. The Dean sent only one memo this week. Attached to the memo were copies of all the letters he has received from Canon, Konica, Minolta, Toshiba, Xerox, Nashua, James River, Hammermill, Mead, and Bostitch, thanking him for his patronage over the past three years.
Story #11: Today’s weather
There wasn’t much weather today. The forecast calls for a 40% chance of weather tomorrow, and scattered weather over the next several days.
Story #12: At 11:00 o’clock
Following this evening’s festivities, Professor Alex De Abreu will hold an optional tutorial session to resolve any questions you may have. He’s willing to stay as long as you are.
Commentary: Looking back
Now we recall what Professor Tsukerman said last Faraday Evening. He said: "Never give up. Keep working. Keep pushing. If you fail the first time, just do it again." And he promised that, a year later, at this Faraday Evening, we would be proud of the many wonderful things that we have induced.
We have not yet induced an MIT in the U of A. But I believe we have produced something positive with our effort; so, no one can say our success is imaginary.