Matt's Lyrics

Although not a part of the DISCHORD website, this is a place that I Matthew M. Pallaye puts up the fucked up shit I write. Allright. Don't be to judgmental, these are random thoughts at random points in my life.

If you enjoy these lyrics, send me a line at MarshalHack@Yahoo.com and also check out Maynard James Keenan's lyrics on this page - http://www.toolband.com/album/index.html The lyrics for Aenima are my personal faves.  Some more incredible lyrics from an incredible band named Sinch out of Pennsylvania, check out http://www.sinch.net/lyrics/index.shtml  They also have some audio links up so you can here some of there music.  One more CD of incredible lyrics, http://www.azlyrics.com/u/used.html  The Used debut blows my mind.  Go check them out.

I have never felt like fucking throwing up when I wasn't sick,
But this feeling right now is like a huge part of me is being ripped out,
I hate you you fucking whore. You stole my promises and crushed them,
You took me for a fucking ride and threw me away,
So fuck you, I want you out of me,
This depression and anger and total fucking dispair,
They have turned you into this vomit,
This sickly shit that comes from me,
This time I wasted with you is my life,
You stole my life you fucking whore,
FUCK YOU!
I have never felt like this, This sickness in my mind,
You took control of me and wouldn't let go,
Spun me in circles when you knew what you wanted,
To get away,
To fly away,
To fucking waste away in what you drink,
To take my promises and throw them away,
To take my whole fucking life away,
You weren't that person,
FUCK YOU!
I have never felt like this, So free,
So open and destroyed,
You said it best when you said I don't love you,
I choked on these words for so long,
They now come to me so much eisier,
When you show me who you really are,

As this chemical slowly creeps into the mind,
Why would you put it there?
It changes you into something your not,
Transforms you into what you hate,
But you can't see it,
You can't remember it,


I kept telling myself the key fit,
But a key can't fit when there's not a door,
The door didn't close, it was blown away,
It was destroyed through time,
Torn apart with my soul,

Rock Bottom
This addiction I fight, It has no chemical attraction,
Nothing drawing me to it,
Other than the feelings I remember,
This mental addiction tears me apart,
I wish this addiction was addicted to me,
What would it take to make you feel me,
A millions tears and drops of blood,
Would five then to you and so much more,
In death this pain will fade,
Hell couldn’t’ be that much different then this,
The constant reminders, the eternal pain,
I’m living on a chance, like and addict to a game,
Will I hit big or burn,
Burn till I have nothing left,
Nothing worth keeping or caring for,
Nothing

[Phase I]
Hey little dreamer,
Eyes still full of life,
Mind so full of ideas,
Of where things should be,
Am I there?
In a future undecided,
The caring heart,
Beautiful eyes,
Those eyes filled with strength and pain,
Am I there?

[Phase II]
I felt like me,
Something I haven’t felt in a while,
I felt happy and I felt like I wasn’t alone,
I don’t’ know what you felt,
Did you feel my eyes searching you?
For signs of life?
For the signs that you felt it too?

[Phase III]
Uncomfortable and new, forced into this,
Little white lies that consume us,
Slowly building bridges over water starting to rage,
Happy on the outside but falling apart within,
I’m still here.

[Phase IV}
Confusion and chaos consume us,
Takes control and doesn’t let go,
Spinning in circles, this confusion can be fixed,
You don’t say a word and,
You let go…

[Phase V]
Alone again, left me here in all this pain,
To try and sort through the wreckage,
Alone,
The only place I don’t want to be,
Begin again.

Fuck the phases. I know this will be different.

These dreams slowly faded away as I woke up,
Slipped back to reality where everything is fucked,
I’m still at the stage where the dreams still feel real,
But I know the nightmares over,
These fantasies don’t matter any more,
But they’re still knocking at my door,
My expectations were far beyond what anyone had to offer,

I set myself up for this disappointment,
Set myself up to lose, lose it all,
I set myself up for this disappointment,
Set myself up,

I thought in my head I was missing so much more,
Hundreds of things that I couldn’t compare,
Didn’t know what to do,
Other then to find out what was true in my heart,
And you walked away while I was figuring out,
That I truly loved you, for everything you were,

I set myself up for this disappointment,
Set myself up to lose, lose it all,
I set myself up for this disappointment,
Set myself up,

But now it’s over. If you really cared then you wouldn’t have turned your back,
Wouldn’t have left me starving and begging,
 

To know I'm alive-
To breathe isn't enough,
To evolve and change is what I feel,
I don't need it but I want it,
To know that I'm alive,
I'm not inside this box of consistency, it bores me,
These feelings need to constantly change,
Immaturity showing itself,
Until the day I find,
That the box is happiness,
Do I really want to return?
To the confinement of knowing nothing else?
Ignorance is bliss,
I've searched and came up with nothing,
I'm not inside this box of consistency, it bores me,
These feelings need to constantly change,
Immaturity showing itself,
Until the day I find,
That the box is happiness,
Don't you ever just wonder, want to know,
feelings you never felt, thoughts you never thought,
Complacently waited for me to figure out,
But I went to far,
I'm far beyond this box of consistency,
Which now bores me,
These feelings need to stay the same,
Immaturity showing itself,
Until the day I found,
That this box is broken,

Goodbye Casper-
Did you really want to die?
You begged them to kill you,
Begged them not to save you,
Did you think you were a martyr?
A martyr for what?
Did the money tear you apart?
Did the children seek revenge?
Does the drama really matter that much?
Or were you fucked?
Did you really want to burn?
As you ran from the flames?
You got nowhere,
The flames were in you,
A martyr for what?
Did the money tear you apart?
Did the children seek revenge?
Does the drama really matter that much?
Or were you fucked?
Goodbye you stupid fuck,
A martyr for nothing!
A martyr for nothing!
A martyr for nothing!
A martyr for nothing!
You died for nothing!
Did the evil tear you apart?
Did the kids want to kill you?
Does the drama really matter at all?
Or were you just fucked?
Did you just want to fuck up all those lives?
Kill the look in their eyes?
I would've helped,
pour that gas,
and light you up,
A MARTYR FOR WHAT?

Slowly sinking in,
This curious feeling consumes me,
What I thought love was,
Is nothing more than an act,
Dosn't make me feel love or trust,
Didnt' make me beleive you more,
Didn't understand what I was getting myself into,
Emotions mixed with lust,
Confused by you who never said a word,
To let me know what was real,
Slowly sinking in,
I never had control,
Never wanted it either,
Wanted to know how you felt,
Know what you wanted from me,
You were scared, but not scared of me,
Didn't understand what I was getting myself into,
Emotions mixed with lust,
Confused by you who never said a word,
To let me know what was real,
Slowly sinking in,
You were scared I wasn't the one,
To take you there, to take you away,
Scared I didn't care, but I never lied,
Needed to find the truth for myself,
Why did you turn your back?
It has sunk in...

I've lost myself again, but I never knew who I was,
The person I thought I was is gone,
Who is here now, I don't know, but I have not choice but to stay,
Don't know where to go to murder these chains,
To rid myself of these lies,
I try so hard but hurt you in the end, can't stop the pain without being free,
The pain seeps into me and I don't know why,
I can't be happy with this chain around my neck,
These eyes on my hands,
These hands over my lips,
These lips that know no other taste,
The tastes I long for,
So sorry you're idea's aren't the same as this person I fear,
This evolution has taken who I was away,
Adapt,
Evolve.

Fuck Yeah!

I'm torn apart inside, My former self has been replaced from where he loved most,
I have somewhere to go that I see no future in,
I don't know where to turn,
I want to break all ties that hold me here,
Break all ties to this world and begin again,
I've cried for the first time today, felt real pain,
Pain that hurt so deep that I don't know if it's real,
My whole body and being feels it ripple through me,
I shake and am blinded by the water of myself as it flows out of me,
This feeling I can't explain with any feeling I've felt before,
Not anger, not pain, not anything I've felt before,
It's like being torn from the inside's again,
The way I once was, Before conferrable and warm,
Now alone in this, with bright lights shining in my eyes,
I can't run away, I can't hide, I can't do anything but feel this,
This inhumane feeling of terribleness,
At the present my mind is hurting,
My heart is hurting,
My eyes are hurting,
My hands shake as I type,
My stomach turns a million ways,
I have no idea what reality is,
I've lost all sense of what is was once,
I've made a million mistakes that I thought were so right and lost myself in the midst of them,
I need this world to end and a new begin,
My eulogy contains nothing, I've left nothing on this earth but bitter lies,
I'm torn apart in a million different directions while everyone else knows where to turn,
I am left alone,

Your eyes are my source of strength right now,
I see them watching me,
I see them loving me,
I see them stare into my soul,
Instantly your smile spreads to every part of my body,
The sweetness and innocence of one so far away,

The door that is opened causes this,
You open it for the things outside to come right through,
The coldness pierces deep and you just don’t see,
What this hell is doing to me,
How this pain makes me feel,
Like I shouldn’t be alive,
Like I shouldn’t be a person,
So small, deflated, ready to be killed,
This is begging to be knifed,
To be killed and the pain taken away,
In the quietness is nothing I can feel,
Nothing that is real that I can grab and hold onto,
This anger is rising,
At myself and all that fail to be around,
I can’t take this shit,
It feeds off of me like a parasite,
Slowly taking my strength,
Taking over my mind,
Taking total control,
The only thing that keeps me sane is this light,
This heavenly presence that glows so far away,
It gives me strength and gives me love I need so much,
My body and mind are exhausted and she carries me away,
To another place where these things seem to matter less and less,
When the light turns off this pain returns slowly from the shadows,
And I wait,
For the return of you,

Strait through me,
This feeling of being alone again,
I see these faded pieces of life,
I showed you exactly what I though I wanted,
But now I see I have no clue,
The sweet sound of your voice and the sweet taste of your lips,
Will never be replaced,
Apparently nothing at all will ever fill,
This hole in me,
You are the one who can save me,
And you don’t,
You watch me drown,
You watch me drown,
You watch me DROWN!
And who is it that brings me back to life,
A life of pain slowly brings me to the shallow end,
The dark warm eyes of the future,
The reflection looking back at me,
Not pulling me under, but saving me,
Pulling me back to life,
You watched me drown,
You watched me drown,
You watched me DROWN!
But slowly this life is filling my lungs,
This life I have never felt before,
So much closer to you,
Bathed in loneliness and self destruct,
Just like me,
These two pains brought together to save each other,
I will not watch you drown,
I will not watch you drown,
I will not watch you DROWN,
In saving me you saved yourself,
Saved yourself a little piece of me that will forever be yours,
I will not watch you drown,
The way I was killed,

Calmness equaling loneliness,
This long road that I’ve been on,
Travel for days only to find more nothing,
This road is filled with shadows that are best forgotten,
I run from them but the are all around,
Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide,
Close my eyes to temporarily pacify these feelings,
The tears rush through,
No matter how tight they are held, the tears rush through,
Now it’s time to take the pain away,
Fight against it to leave it behind,
No secrecy or lies, or broken promises,
Only drunken lies and thoughts from above the clouds,
Higher then ever before and going farther,
Lifts me away from this pain,
I see why in the past so many have lost themselves,
In the bottles,
They take the pain away,
You put the pain in the empty pill bottles and throw them away,
Now I’m caught in the headlights,
Coming back to the life that I so faintly remember,
The pain comes back full force and so does the craving to get away,
Temporarily sedate,
Looking for a permanent cure to this sickness,
This sickness that takes my mind away from where I want it to be,
Everything that I did I did for you ,
Now that everything is gone, I can see I did nothing,
This numbness creeps over me,

So precious, so rare, so far away,
This love is no less strong than if you were right beside me,
History is in the past,
And the future is in my arms,
Slip away from consciousness,
The world seems better here,
The pain slips away and you fill my heart,
Recalling every second we were together,
Every moment that seemed to good to be true,
The moments of silence that we asked ourselves if this was real,
Cut away and clear away the past,
This sling that held me so close to you,
The wounds have not yet healed,
But the muscles function again,
Tear away the fabric,
It’s over,
Not over this feeling but healing is evident,
These feelings are numbed,
These drugs my body makes numb you out of existence,
And the new brings back the sweet love I so barely remember,
We went over this before, and made the decisions,
Now we have to live with them,
As I search the sky at night,
I feel you searching too,
Looking to see where I am,
Looking to see where my heart is,
It is there with you in a million pieces,
I know it can be put back together,
I watched as it fell apart,
All the pieces are there,
Fix them and put them back together,

Why do you play with this person asleep inside of me,
Almost dead to the world,
I know now that I need to take control,
Something I never had over you,
Something I’ve always needed,
Need to take control and leave this person behind,
This awakening took place,
When I looked into the dark eyes that cried out in the pain I feel now,
I knew it then but didn’t listen,
Now I’m looking into my mind and seeing those eyes,
Begging me to forget and learn again to love,
Learning something so complex,
Confusion at every turn,
Why do I feel like this I ask myself,
And the only answers I have are the past,
The past that ended with the beginning of you,
I would not change a thing,
The things that happened,
Indestructible things destroyed,
Keeps these feelings in question,
In view and in constant questioning,
Questioning what went wrong and fixing these problems before they start,
Creating something pure,
I’m thinking of you always,
But the comparisons kill me,
They create something better in the end,
But now all they create is pain,
A relationship based on pain will last longer than any based on love,
Love is destructible,
Pain will always be there,
Pain and fear create many things,
I never thought that they would create love,

All these sexual innuendos destroyed,
These things that once brought nervousness and feeling to be soon destroyed,
They wonder in my mind,
I shove them back,
They mean nothing now,
They mean that you will be with someone else,
Touching, feeling, being in someone else’s arms,
Show me the way to forgive you for this,
I will show you the pain that I feel,
I have to let go forever,
One touch brings so much pain,
Praying for you when I’ve never prayed before,
That the cruel world doesn’t tear you apart,
But fuck you if it does,
Your own goddamned fault,
The road you chose,
You could have been here with me,
But if you are with another then this is over,
I touched another before you ,
I made the mistakes that felt so good at the time,
But now I know,
We will never be again,
The pain will always be there,
The pictures of you ,
Touching, feeling, being in another arms,
Show me the way to forgive you for this,
And I will show you this pain that I feel,
I have to let go to forget,
Letting go is like dieing,
You can’t take it back,
The tragedy affects many,
Nothing at all will take it back,
I don’t know if there is any way to save this now,
You broke the promise to me,
I broke the promise to you,
We are broken,
Moving on in directions that the other feels,
Burning with the desire to touch once again,
But the hate that comes with you will never change,
The hate will kill us both,
The touching, the feeling, the arms that are now the love we feel,
Show me a way to be forgiven,
I will feel your pain,
I do feel your pain,
I have to let go to forget,

This imbalance in my head,
And you say everything will be all right,
Say you want me to stay, but you don’t want me there,
I need all of you or nothing,
I’m getting nowhere dragging my feet,
I will never be back when I leave,
I may already be gone,
I don’t want you coming back,
I don’t want you now,
I need something more,
And I know this is what I’ve been looking for,
To take me away from what I’ve hated in my life,
These feeling need to stop,
I know that what I feel now is real,
The memories are fake,
The memories of being held back and not being aloud to be with you,
I want to give you pain,
Take back the words I’ve said,
Treat you the way they thought I did,
I’ve given you back to the world,
Given back your life that I want no part of,
I felt the burn of someone looking into my soul,
Somewhere no one has ever been,
Somewhere that has been empty until now,
So much happier with a dark angel,
She spread her wings and carried me back to this place,
This life I had forgotten,
It’s taken much to long,
For this miracle to take place,

You never gave me the time,
You never really wanted me there did you ,
Now you have all the time in the world for everyone else,
To play to see to be with,
You never felt for me what you thought you did,
The tears are gone,
I don’t have to fight them anymore,
This anger is what I feel,
This dying day,
This revolution of feelings,
Things are over,
I see what I meant to you now,
I was a security until you found what you really wanted,
I gave you everything and you gave me nothing,
You have given me pain and a self destructive feeling,
You gave me nothing I care to remember,
I wish I could take it all back,
Take you out of my memories,
Take you out of my life forever,
Three years were wasted on what I thought was love,
That love was nothing, only a feeling of helplessness,
I see now that you never even tried,
You had many choices and you always chose those other then me,
I was nothing to you but an ornament,
This was a tragedy of modern society,
How you would keep me here when you knew,
I was nothing to you and nothing would ever be,
Now you give all to those with you now,
You don’t give a fuck about me so far away,
So fuck you,
Fuck you and go to hell,
I’m sick of this game that you play,
These feelings you make me feel,
These dying parts inside of me,
I murdered the mother fucker that loved you ,
He is dead, and you are dead to me,
You are forever gone,
You care about another’s problems but don’t help me at all,
An addict, a piece of shit,
But someone else was addicted,
Addicted to you ,
You couldn’t care less could you,
You are the worst thing I can think of,
You are the biggest waste of time ever,
I hate you so much,
The dead say I love you so much,
This pain has destroyed me and made me see what you are all about,
You are all about you,
You don’t care and never did,
Go to hell,
Tell me why you never tried to see me,
Why you wouldn’t defy,
Why you wouldn’t stand up for me,
Don’t tell me anything,
I don’t care anymore,

I don’t know where to turn,
There is nothing left for me here,
I want to get away, but I have nowhere to go,
I’ll be back here,
I’ll be waiting,
Everything is fucked up,
Once everything was perfect,
But now everything has went to hell,
I don’t know where to turn,
So far away,
I can’t stay here,
The pain returns with so many feelings of yesterday,
That were destroyed,
That have been completely removed,
I know I can not go back,
To the way things were,
Things have to change,
I’m crying and they’re screaming,
And I’m going through hell,
I hope this all works out the way I need it to,
I can’t get away,
I can’t go anywhere,
Home is a place of pain and desire,
For things that will never be again,
This feels like someone is killing my insides,
Killing what made me me,
Killing everything I stood for,
Killing the me I know,
The me I miss,
I’m torn in two directions,
One is a love by chance and happiness,
One is of passion, past and control,
I don’t know which way to turn and it’s killing me inside,
Tearing me apart and my family,
Tearing everything I know into pieces for me to search through and find what’s real,
All these pieces are fragments of my life,
A life I don’t understand,
A life I can’t control anymore,
Moving in directions that I don’t even know,
Just following where I lead myself,
More and more pain,
I can’t get away,

I'm frustrated,
This stream from my mind,
I can't control it,
Flow wild away from me,
Collectively hiding,
These thoughts with nowhere to go,
No release,
Knowing that nothing at all...
Nothing at all...
Will save me!
Save me!
Won't you save me!
My words choke on nothing!

So small this world so much left to see,
I can't get away from this feeling that maybe,
This my only chance to get away,
See the whole world, free today,
There is so much life that waits out of sight,
All you need is someone to show the light,

What you look for in life is what you get,
So go get more
Independence from the linear life you set,
go get more,
Are you just waiting for you life to end?

A drone to his world, I don't feel alive,
This fucking life is desensitized, sythetisized,
The mind's taken away, when will you learn to see through your own eyes,
But instead you use systematics to classify,
Take away our identity and make us a lie,
Stereotypes make machines that classify,
Make individuals live there lives to die,
All it takes is a leader in your mind,
Change around the thoughts that make you blind,
Tear down the walls of every day society,
One day our minds will all be free,

To feel what this world has to offer,
Not stand by let life get away,
To feel...

The struggle for acceptance makes you feel alone,
Searching for the song, but you can't find the tone,
Everyone else sees the easy way through life,
All you see is the bloody blade of a knife,
To late to fix the crumbling walls as voices fade away,
Pathetic feeling of loneliness steal the words I want to say.

I'm so lonely,
The only one that doesn't know,
Just how I feel,
And just what I know,
Just what I should do,
Don't know what to be,
Don't know what to do,
This is life without you,

I'm so frustrated,
You stole my sight, I'm blind,
Can't control it,
Made it so I can't see,
Still hiding,
Don't even know what I'm hiding from,
So I release,
I know that nothing at all,
Could hurt me,
Life's so real,
Surreal,
So fucking Surreal.

End that shit cause no one cares,
No more looks and jealous stares,
It's all over you've fallen from the top,
You can't get away never wanted it to stop,
Can't you believe that your day has come,
To be nothing from anything you can't get none,
A fly to the world you don't matter anymore,
Raped by life you little whore,

Now your world's stopped spinning around,
Down from the top now your on the ground,
Still think you're everything they thought you could be,
But you're nothing, your gone, and everyone can see,

Fell to the floor, ground ripping at your knees,
Your life just spun around one hundred and eighty degrees,
Don't know what to do cause your life was fake,
Now that the future's only one thing at stake.

Drowning in the silence of my world caving in,
My eyes closed tight, waiting for the end,
Thinking how nothings right, but everything's the same,
Wishing that I knew just how to play the game,
Sitting alone dreaming of reality,
Just want to get away from me,
So can you take me away,
From this world,
Cause I'm sick of what's real,
Now that my dreams have come true.

Today I woke up,
Perceptions changed and lives erased,
Want to go back,
To sleep and try to bring back the past,
Return to the way,
That I remember was so much better than today,
Songs of December brings back the decay,

Revelations, Unveiling the truth,
Condemning the past,
Retaliation, not willing to change,
Knowing your role in this cast,

A game of chess against a world that's figured me out,
Play suicide, to divide, but don't lose yourself,
To easy to give all and have nothing to show,
to be continued... sometime

The most beautiful scar was a mistake from the start,
Who knew the smallest bit could tear it all apart,
Can you taste her on my lips?
Feel her in my touch?
All that I can feel is you slipping from my clutch,
Consciousness is a hard thing to keep,
When for 7 days tears fill your eyes instead of sleep,
Tired of going over this mistake again and again,
Don't know how to get over destroying a friend.

Is anyone there,
At least someone to pretend to care,
Everyone went away and left me here,
Nothing I see is very clear,
Though these eyes all I see,
Are distorted images of you and me,
Pictures torn apart by lies and pain,
Now your gone don't know what to do,
Keep wishing none of these lies were true,

Facing the facts is do when they're lies,

I threw her away and changed her mind,
I can't change it back, going out of my mind,
Why can't i find the key to your soul I had long ago,
Don't know where to turn, i forgot about being alone.